Random Thoughts on Life and School

Tonight something has been weighing on me. It started when talking to an old friend I rarely talk to. So much as changed in my life. Talking to my friend, I started looking back on my life. Moments in my life that had a profound impact. Some moments we’re small, but set a course for something big. I began to think of other moments in my life that have influenced me, changed me, and led me to today. I would describe these moments as, Defining Moments. Those times when I  say, “Yes, it was right there that my life took a turn, that I started thinking differently, that I opened my mind to something different.”

It amazes me. You see a path, and how certain events led to life changing ones.

I hardly knew my grandma, but she died about 2002. She lived in Idaho, so my mother and I went there during her last days. I was a terrible grandson and didn’t visit her at the hospital. But I was young, and I don’t think I had seen her but 3 or 4 times in my life.

We stayed at some good friends, and  I had a blast. This is where my taste for music began to change. Also where a love for Lord of the Rings began to grow. It may not be much to you, but I still love LOTR, and I’ve changed from the kid who would only listen to Southern Gospel and Country. I actually don’t even like Southern Gospel much any more. Give me Beethoven’s 9th. Defining moments that last for a lifetime.

It was also there, that I met one of my best friends. We’re not nearly as close as we used to be, probably never will be, but I think it was this friendship that years later made a huge impact.

When I was about 18 or so, a complacency about God was growing. Yes, I knew what needed to be done, but yet at the same time I didn’t. My faith in church denominations has been shattered almost beyond repair. I went through a church split, and though I think I came out of it okay, it still influenced me…a lot. Especially the church denomination I came from. This is a defining moment. I will never forget this, and to this day, it continues to shape opinion and belief. Unfortunately, I think it marred my perception of God,…and still does. I’m not blaming them for the spiritual state I was in, but I am saying it probably influenced me. Am I bitter? Not really, but like I said, it changed me.

I made my way to the altar several times, not really understanding what Salvation was. I got to the point where I wasn’t going to bother trying to serve God, unless I was gonna do it right. A frustration grew, becauset I knew what needed to be done, but I REFUSED to go through the same motions again, and end up in the same place.

I made a couple more visits back to Idaho to visit my friends. It was on one of these visits that I expressed some of my feelings. I’m pretty sure my complacency was sensed. I went back home, a couple days later I received a letter. It was one of the most, for lack of a better word, harsh letters I have ever read. My friend basically told me that because of my disregard for Christ, the Creator of the Universe and the lack of sensitivity toward God, my friend could no longer be in communication with me. The letter didn’t really change me right then. It gave me that feeling you get when you receive really bad news. Looking back, I realize that not many people have friends like that. One’s who are honest enough to let you know what they see. I made my friend miserable the whole time I was there. Miserable because she saw someone who had a disregard for his life and for Christ.

This brings me to another defining moment. Sea Breeze Camp of 2008.  Funny thing, I wasn’t convicted because of the preaching, I can’t tell you a thing they said. I didn’t go to any altar. Things and events, moments, had led me to a point of misery and uselessness. (I remember my first paper, a testimony,  in Christian Service Class being one of confusion and frustration. But I also remember the professor writing words of encouragement.) One of these nights , I talked to Robert Black. That night I prayed. Nothing grand, very simple. Not much feeling. But that moment is one I can look back and say, “Hey, look at all these times in your life where God has directed, led, prodded you to this point. Look at all the events He put in motion for this one, so important moment.”

The next few weeks were some of the hardest in my life. Struggling with the reality of God, with habits to be broken, and restitution’s to be made. But you know what, it was during this time that my faith in God soared. I finally understood. I finally do understand.

Defining Moments. Moments that forever change you. Times when I would pray in the CEC and see Dr Kaufman and another man praying every morning without fail. When John Stratton would listen to me pour my heart out. The time when nothing made sense and I wondered why God put me through it. When I about didn’t eat for  7-8 days. When God answered prayer. The men’s retreat out at The Land that introduced me to the Christian Disciplines. The times spent in prayer with the Indiantown team. The gaining of a friend…The loss of a friend. The time around the campfire out at the land, when Bart Thompson and John Stratton gave words of wisdom and how I once again felt an awe for God that seemed to be dormant.

So many memories. So many moments.

Can’t you see it? The Saviour of the world. My Jesus. My Redeemer.  The great I AM. My Friend. My Father. My Brother. My Supply. My ever present Help. My Sustainer. My Comfort….My Grand Weaver

The One who knows me better than I know my self weaved a pattern so beautiful. Yes, there are dark spots, but their are also light ones. And all of these moments, all of these different weaves,  comes together for something beyond our imagination.

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to look back at life and say, “Yes it was there, and there, and there, and over here, that God was weaving my life He’s been there all along.” Look at these events,  these moments in life, as God working in your life.

That’s all I have. Not elegant. But I felt it and needed to write it.

Desiring Face to Face with God,

-Brandon Esparza